Best Divorce Letter, Ever

FIRST LETTER:

 

My Dear Husband,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.  I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last 3 weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today; which was the last straw.  Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new nightie.   You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.  Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Wife

Don't try to find me.  Your BROTHER and I are moving to New Zealand together!  Have a great life!

 

Reply:

Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.  I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and bitching.  Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'

Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment... and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job and brought two tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have a fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell and Free

P.S.  I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.  I hope that's not a problem.