Jokes of the week

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags rips and twenty dollars notes start falling out.

Noticing this policeman stops her and says, “Madam, there are twenty dollars notes falling from your bags.”

“Oh really, darn, I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me,” she says.

“Well, not so fast,” says the policeman.   “How did you get all that money, did you steal it?”

“Oh no,” says the little old lady.   “You see my back yard is right next to the football oval and on game day’s fans pee through my fence onto my flower garden. I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers and every time a fan shows himself through the fence, I say, “twenty bucks or it comes off.”

The policeman laughs and tells her to be on her way, then calls her back and asks her what is in the other bag.

“Well, you know,” says the little old lady, “not everyone pays.”

 


 

A man was just waking up after an operation and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.”

His wife had never heard him say that before so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes opened again and he said, “You’re cute.”

The wife was disappointed because instead of beautiful, it was now cute.   She said, “What happened to beautiful?”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

 


 

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.   The girl is wearing fire fighters helmet and the wagon is being pulled by a cat and her dog.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.   “That sure is a nice fire truck,” he says to the girl.

“Thank you,” the little girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices that the little girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little partner,” he says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replies thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

 


 

Wife: “Do you want dinner?”

Husband:   “Sure, what are my choices?”

Wife:   “Yes or No.”

 


 

A bookseller was conducting a survey and he asked a woman, “Which book has helped you the most in life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book.”

 


 

One day long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whinge, whine or gripe.

But this was a long time ago, and it was just one day.